Kuala Lumpur — a city in transition

The first thing that hits the weary journeywoman escaping the Asian Manhattan of Hong Kong is that KL* doesn’t appear to be finished. Has there been an air strike that has demolished those burgeoning constructions for transportation in a once-booming economy? Or has the Indian subcontinent decided to use Petaling Jaya for its latest nuclear testing site? The newspapers carry no slogans of destruction or headlines of comet collision. The new arrival must assume that the tiger has gone into hibernation and left its lair to the metal grip of once-active giraffe machines which have stopped work until further notice.

(*KL is the affectionate abbreviation of this beautiful Moorish city of Kuala Lumpur. The journey from HK to KL via Sing on MH made arriving in PJ for some DFS very exciting indeed. The LRT and KTM also made it possible to do more DFS at M&S and BB Plaza for very little RM.)

One of the first joys is KL traffic. Thousands of Protons line the highways in a determined effort to arrive at myriad destinations – none of which is ever reached. Where do Protons go to die? They never leave the road. It can take several lifetimes of map reading and sign following before you ever get home. In the meantime, divorce is inevitable. ‘Your Motoring Friend’ attempts to delay divorce but in reality, it is the street directory from hell. I’m unkind. It’s very colourful and contains some lovely maps but it bears little resemblance to what’s on the ground. Supposedly published once a year, it refuses to bear a date. But, ‘the maps contained in this directory are available in digital format’. A laptop must be a helpful and valuable addition to a stressful day in the car dodging traffic, balancing ‘Your Motoring Friend’ and computer on lap while changing CDs and answering the hand phone. A serious disclaimer announces ‘No person should rely upon this directory for the purposes of finding their way around KL’. Not quite, but almost. I know. I had a close shave with divorce.

Everyone in KL has a car. To drive or not to drive – there is no question. Not to have a car is very damaging to the status indeed.

And status, as we all know, needs to be constantly maintained and updated. The sort of car one drives is of the utmost importance. High on the list are imported cars. Way down the list are homemade cars. Due to the abundance of Protons, these little gems are not to be truly desired. The fact that they are reliable, quite attractive, cheap and easy to park are advantages spurned by the genuine vehicular connoisseur. No, the car of choice is a tank. These are not easy to acquire so the next best thing is a Pajero – the biggest, broadest, heaviest and highest in the east. These bullies outrun and outsize everything else on the road. Families of six on a Suzuki Moped swerve to the side in obeisance; broom sellers on bicycles stop in amazement; and Proton drivers think they’ve just passed a large mirror and drive in accordance, bombastically blasting everything in their path.

Driving in KL takes patience, dexterity, manoeuvrability, concentration, quick wittedness and preferably a drivers’ licence. Licences are available from the Department of Drivers’ Licences for Non-Drivers. While you’re there, you can also purchase a Doctorate in the Post-Mandrial Analysis of South American Indians or a Bachelor of Arts.

On the way to the hotel, we pass squalid, broken-down huts along a gutted road. The children can scarcely be seen against the dim, dark backdrop of huts with no light or water. Outside in the street, a tiny child carries a huge, red container of water for the household in need, struggling under the weight of its fluid bulk. The afternoon storm that arrives on schedule every day at 4 pm washes away the dirt from the doorways and floods the small huts that are not raised from the ground. Water is everywhere but not where it is needed. How can a country be suffering from a water shortage when the heavens open up every day at 4 pm?

A huge poster appears and announces ‘KL’s first beach resort in the city’. The hotel is the size of a small city. The building is a palace of marble, with gilded columns, sky-high ceilings and murals that could cover a decent stretch of the Great Wall of China. The African theme is an obvious choice for the middle of tropical Asia. Great African elephants guard the entrance while a herd of antelope is attacked and eaten by marauding lions in a sculpture that would not look out of place in Caligula’s drawing room. I wander to the side windows to catch a glimpse of the pool area. What was once a sheer, excavated tin mine now houses the eighth wonder of the world – a man-made beach upon which washes man-made waves. How chic!

Over a huge expanse of water, a mechanical wave maker is in action enabling John the surf master, fresh from Australia, to make a modest living out of surfing lessons on a cement shore. Manly Beach is long forgotten when there is a choice of wave sizes, water slide, surfing lessons, boating, floating and any number of water frolicking activities.

Having settled comfortably in the hotel, it is time to investigate the many activities available in this fine city. A means of transport is necessary to penetrate pusat bandaraya. This means city centre and I later come to realise that every town and village in Malaysia has one. It’s a bit like Laluan Sahala. Streets named Laluan Sahala are everywhere which seems a little confusing until I discover it means ‘one-way street’.

The monorail is obviously still under construction, and there are cobwebs on the bus stop seats so I opt for the closest taxi. How kind of these taxis who wait just to ferry me to my destination of choice. The first taxi ushers me past once he discovers my destination. He mumbles something to the second taxi driver who then spits out ’15’. Talking to other people about taxi fares and distances covered, I have assessed that this is rip-off territory and barter furiously in the vain hope of getting into town for an honest price. ‘Ah madam must pay 12. No fare on way back.’ We agree on twelve and I enter the twilight zone of inner city driving.

But enough about driving. Let’s get to the real treat of KL – shopping. In a city that hangs out signs saying ‘Buy one mattress, get a bed for 1 RM’, the shopping has got to be good. And it doesn’t disappoint. There’s everything from the cheapest copy watch to top of the range designer ball gowns in sequins and pearls. There are whole shopping malls (and plenty of them) selling all variations on a theme. The shops are arranged for the ease of the shopper. All dress shops for women are on one level, clothes shops for men on another; all the fridge magnet shops are together; the hair clip and ribbon shops; all the kedais selling CDs, shoes, joss sticks, VCDs, and videos follow in a neat sequence. They’re all there together like stonemasons, coffin makers and grave stone merchants used to be in ancient Europe (and still in Hong Kong).

The convenience is exhausting. Each shop belts out the strains of a different tune to entice its buyers. The only possible response, however, is to exit as quickly as possible.

Having seen enough merchandise for one day, I head for Bangsar where I know I can sit in an open-air coffee shop, sup from a choice of 15 different varieties of coffee and watch the passing parade of KL sophisticates. I am easily ensconced in an establishment and indulge myself as the afternoon drifts slowly past – as do Porsches, Ferraris, and myriad other luxury cars I cannot name. For me, the sole purpose of a car is to get to a destination as quickly and safely as possible. Colour, type, style, cost, trendiness, and gutsiness are all irrelevant. Not so for the drivers of every type of luxury car in Bangsar. These drivers are, without exception, very young males and females who obviously haven’t felt the brunt of a water shortage or an economic downturn.

And neither they should. The KL of tomorrow will be ready for the youth of today. By then, the monorail will be built, the roads and bridges constructed and the network links in place. Until then, the rest of us will continue to shop and sup and drive and look forward to a prosperous KL.